It’s time to announce the winners of the 2009 ‘Rorie’ awards

Back by popular demand it’s the C.S.I. at C-11’s 2009 Annual ‘Rorie’ Awards for achievements in criminal stupidity. There were many worthy candidates this year but only the most ignorantly foolish are deserving of a ‘Rorie’ Award. Made of pure pewter and shaped in an amazing likeness of Fred Sanford from the Sanford and Son comedy series, the ‘Rorie’ award would make a fine addition to any criminal’s mantle or trophy case. The only award where the winners are such losers. The envelope please …

April 17, 10:11 a.m.

While performing a paid detail with another officer at Dorchester and Crescent Avenues, Detective Gallagher could hear a car blaring its horn and a man yelling unprintable suggestions at the traffic in front of him, because we all know that continuously beeping your horn makes traffic magically disappear. When the detective approached the enraged beeper, the man suddenly accelerated his vehicle through the intersection and he took off before the detective could issue him a ticket. Out of sight, out of mind, end of story. Right. Please. Several minutes later the boob was back at the intersection arguing about the traffic. The detective then asked the bleeping bleeper for his license and registration, but the man replied “I’m not driving anymore, I don’t have to give you anything.” Wrong answer, Perry Mason. Three times he was asked for his paperwork and three times the man kept up his childish temper tantrum. Which in turn earned the 51-year-old Dorchester man a trip to the C-11 bed and breakfast charged with disorderly conduct and failure to submit. Dumbass.

The “even though I’m homeless, I have more money than you” award goes to:

March 8, 8:40 p.m.

While performing a paid detail at the Long Island Homeless Shelter, Officer Frederick was asked to remove a disorderly overnight guest. But before putting the 43-year-old man into his blue and white limo to take him off the island, the officer patted down the man’s backpack and low and behold didn’t he find nine ounces of pot, baggies, a miniature scale, and an assortment of pills and $335. Business must be good and you would think with that amount of money on him he would be staying on Long Island, New York, not Long Island Shelter. I think on my day off I’m gonna sell lemonade outside my house.

April 16, 12:50 p.m.

Members of the Drug Control Unit were in the middle of locking up a Sudan Street cultivator and seller of marijuana when the dealer’s sister and three of his friends decided to interfere and block the officers from performing their sworn duties. So as a result they all got locked up, including one extremely pregnant lass. Ah, so special. While the drug dealer was being booked his sister just happened to be close by, awaiting her turn at the booking desk, and when she heard that her brother was being charged with dealing pot within a school zone (The Little House is located with 1,000 feet) she came down with the award winning utterance of genuine stupidity. “Our house is not within 1,000 feet of a school, I checked it out and made sure.” So, in other words, you measured the distance from your drug apartment to the local schools so that you couldn’t be charged with dealing drugs in a school zone, just dealing drugs period. Remember, what you say can be used against you in a court of law. Idiot.

The “you can’t make this crap up” award goes to …

April 23, 7:34 p.m.

Officer Canuto was off duty, in his own personal vehicle and minding his own business in Fields Corner when he was approached by a 41-year-old MENSA member who wanted to sell the officer an MP3 player, no questions asked. Wink-wink, nudge-nudge. The man was holding a bag which contained an assortment of wallets, jewelry and childrens clothing all with the tags still on them. When questioned, he stated that he bought the merchandise in Lawrence the day before, even though the tags said the items came from the AJ Wright store across the street. Then he said, “Oh yeah, I bought them there, now I want to sell them.” Incredible. A check on his criminal past showed he had been convicted several times and had active open cases for shoplifting. He’s not very good at it. But at least he can tell his grandchildren that he won a ‘Rorie.’ Even if he didn’t win, he probably would have stolen one.

Finally, the ‘Rorie’ for “Stupidest Criminal of the Year.” The envelope please … and the winner is …

March 15, 5:10 a.m.

A woman from Hyde Park was working the early morning shift behind the counter of a Dunkin Donuts located inside a gas station along Gallivan Boulevard and exchanging small talk with a customer when America’s stupidest thief walked in carrying a GPS system. The man asked the customer “Hey, what’s a TomTom?” and showed the GPS system he was carrying. The woman recognized the navigation device as hers. They asked the foolish felon where he got the GPS and he walked outside, pointed to the woman’s red Toyota and exclaimed “In that abandoned car.” Like the Fabulous Moolah of old phony wrestling fame, the woman wrestled the thief to the pavement and sat on him until the police arrived. The woman also found her cell phone in the suspect’s pant pocket. Totally clueless, this 41-year-old Dorchester resident is a most worthy recipient of the ‘Stupidest Criminal of the Year!”

Happy 18th, Jillie!

Don’t forget the C-11 Kids Bike Rodeo and Fire Safety Day on May 23, 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. at the IBEW parking lot on Freeport Street. Food, drinks, pony rides, and fun. Kids 2 to 12 years of age.